Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
