My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
