The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
