Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
