sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
