and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
