hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The air taste purple.
Randomize
