i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
