he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
