i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I party with great urgency now.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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