this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
