Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
