Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
