I got chris browned last night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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