Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.