I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.