There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
