ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
