3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
