So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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