pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
