i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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