did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i will never coherently bang her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
