There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
