I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
