Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
