I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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