see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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