Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
