My nipple is on Facebook.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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