I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
