I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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