how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
