and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
