Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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