you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
