i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
