Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
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