i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize