mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
