i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
