I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
