Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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