I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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