Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
