I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
