Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
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If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
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Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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