last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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