he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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