I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
