I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You took a bar mat shot.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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