She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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