If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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