Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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