I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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