Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this just has baby written all over it
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
