Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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