my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
