I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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