the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
