Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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