it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize