when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
