I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
