I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
